He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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