my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize