Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
