No stitches, just platelets and will power
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
