I wish I could teleport
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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