the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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