I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
