The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
