if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
