I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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