im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
