you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
honey bunches of taint.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
