Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize