you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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