would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
