Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
