please come you make the beer taste better
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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