Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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