dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
