last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
