Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
