Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
