I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
