I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
So many bounce houses so little time
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
