my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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