If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
