Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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