Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
