The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
