The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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