I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
