I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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