So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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