last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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