I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My vagina is officially offended.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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