glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
