Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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