It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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