2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Randomize
