@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
