I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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