I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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