My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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