I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
