I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
