did you get engaged???
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
