I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
