A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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