i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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