Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
