I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
