I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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