I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
