I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
