im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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