he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
