Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
