Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
