tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
