I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
