I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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