mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
